yay

the bs is about to be over and i can be happy again!!! no more miserable blog!!!


but i'm still sick. i cant wait for 2006.

sick

its amazing how being sick and forced to stay in bed can affect you. i am lying in bed with nothing to do. i have been wishing for day like this but my head is full of thoughts. well ONE thought in particular. i cant stand it really but hey. what can i do? i think i'll just go get my stuff tomorrow and then kind of inch away from the situation. every time i have a free moment i cant be sitting up here like this.



in other news i hate smokers.

birthday/christmas list

1. complete sex and the city dvd series.
2. harry potter collectors edition books 1-5 (i got book 6. THANKS MARYLAND)
3. a palm pilot/pda
4. a cute leather portfolio
5. some cute business suits
6. playstation psp or the new nintendo hand held
7. dvd player (its time)
8. a mp3 hard disk drive: ipod NOT ACCEPTABLE.
9. amanda hugandkiss (heh heh heh)

thats it! :o)

vacation

i didnt go to class today. yesterday was pure awful in sooooooooo many ways. so i talk to my old friend: maryland. he came through with the pep talk. so i need to stop living life on a timer. that's my problem i live life on a timer and try and force things when i need to go with the flow. dammit i was cool in april. so i need a damn vacation (maryland when you going to invite me down? LOL) i need to just stay in bed alllll day, go eat my fav foods, take a HOT bath, do my toes put on my silk pajamas (yes i have some and they are wonderful) and get back in bed. how about i go to a black sand beach (yes that's still a dream of mine) black sand on honey skin just sounds so beautiful right now. i hate the weather right now. it's not helping me. i am just going to chill out this afternoon until i can get myself up to go to work. i havent had this feeling in a long time.

Quote of the day "Miss Leah why do you look so sad? You look like you lost your best friend."

suffocation

i let desires and wants get the best of me. i showed my most vulnerable spot. this shit hurts, no doubt. i let the tears go. they were there. they wanted to show. the have been dancing in my lids since yesterday. i. cant. do. this. anymore. i want the old days back. its stressful, not fun, not what it used to be. it wont ever be what it used to be. repeated apologies exchanged do nothing. it doesnt make the emotion go away. "life is never fair", they always told me that. i am seeing that. hurts more than my name being in shit constantly (maybe i do it to myself though. or maybe i'm extremely misunderstood). hurts more than doing bad on an exam. it hurts more thak me breaking a toe, hurts more than being called ugly and fat.

the part that hurts me the most is why when i finally feel something new is it for something that is so unaccessable and unattainable? we both said it and laughed: "God has a sense of humor". aint that the truth? well just call me comicview because hes getting a barrel of laughs right now. i still feel like i am suffocating. oh yeah i remember one more thing that hurts. the perfection in the moments, when this is not a focus, was so wonderful and it hurts because in the rubble it will get lost. i guess its a sacrafice and eventually this all will go away. but right now i cant breathe.

Butterflies

You give me butterflies got me flying so high in the sky i cant control the butterflies. You give me something i just cant deny something thats so sweet i just cant control the way i feel.... (i never felt like this)

I am starving i am fiending for some starbucks. Shame on me. Today will be a long day. I need a vacation, breakfast in bed and a massage.

a woman's worth

i know it's been a while since i blogged. in all honestly i had nothing to blog about. i went to DC for howard's homecoming. that's pretty much the high point. i need some rest. i need to lie in bed for a day with nothing but pj's on, eating, reading the harry potter series and watching sex and the city. speaking of sex and the city.

i rented season 3. the season where carrie cheats on the wonderful aiden with big and big is married. i started to thinking about a woman's accesibility to a man. in my own situation i was very accesible to someone and they refused to notice it. then we became friends and i was taken and he was taken and all of a sudden there was an interest. granted the interest was only to have sex with me but there was still more interest than was there when we both were single. why do men only want you when they cannot have you? i am willing to wager that if said individual got what he wanted from me eventually he would have lost interest. whatever "friendship" wouldnt have mattered because if someone gets to have sex with me i'd end up catching feelings. so it's a tangled web people weave. men want what they cant have, if they get it they dont want it and you're stuck wanting what you cannot have. except it wont be as easy for you because they can live double lives, maintain the facade and keep the person they really wanted in the first place: the girlfriend they cheated on.

so what is a woman worth?i love the song by alicia keys. why? because a woman is worth so much and when you treat her how you should she'll do anything for you. read my aim profile: "she walks a mile with a smile all the while being true". i can definitly imagine myself walking a long distance for someone in need, that i care about. a woman is worth everything and so is the right man. it should be reciprocated. a woman is worth more than having the title of sidechick. the lesson? men never taint a friendship with desires of the penis. eventually she will feel used and worthless... you dont do friends like that.



yes i was listening to alicia keys as i wrote this. next blog i'll write about how i picked a fight on purpose with someone i really cared about because i got scared.... and how i really wish i was more sensible. haha. i'll save that for next time i feel like blogging. it's about damn time i quit the cryptic "sad love song" blogs. right now i have no romantic feelings for anyone and dammit its kind of bittersweet.

Math

This shit is so boring

Next to the homeless and mentally ill, smokers are the stinkiest people on earth. I am not feeling my breath smelling like a fresh fart everyday.

now i see where society went wrong.

we women stopped following these directives (click to enlarge):

Greekblog II: Videoblog

girls just wanna have fun in krimson and kream
them nasty dogs
gay phi gay? (my personal favorite as much as i love alphas.)

happily ever after

there once was a girl who lived in a tower all alone. she lived there by choice, she was not forced there, she chose a life of isolation. she did not like too many people and had only one friend. she also had a very large heart. she loved to do for people just because when she did nice things it made her feel good. the happiness did not always last however because at night she would lie down in her bed and let her mind wander. she dreamt of the day that she would meet someone as kind as she was, that she could call on when she needed them. right now her life was very much one sided. occasionally her eyes let a tear slip but this was the only sign of a deepening sadness which was welling within her and threatened to outweigh her joy. one night as she lay her raven hair on her pillow and allow her ebony eyes to focus on the ceiling she realized that she didnt do things for people in order to receive things back, however she also decided that when her instincts told her that she was being used that she would pull back. she turned and looked out the window and thought "where will i get the strength to resist what my heart compells me to do?"

where will the strength come from?

wisdom: 6.23.1959

yesterday i called my dad. i was upset and i knew he was the only one could relate. my daddy made it to a place not many could make. he was born the youngest of four and therefore the most envied. the last boy to a doting mother (who died when he was 14). my father is a senior software engineer with no degree. almost always self employed since graduating high school, a hard worker and self taught. he's also cut throat. he says what he wants, says what he feels and needs to say. he doesnt care about hurt feelings. why? because often times common sense hurts, the truth hurts and people dont want to hear it.

i called my dad angry. he yells "WOULD YOU SHUT UP??? YOU SHOULD HEAR YOURSELF" he then proceeds to tell me that basically i have become too womanly. women deal in emotions. one thing i have always prided myself on is my ability to seperate myself from situations so i wouldnt get caught up in emotions. i can fake feelings, to get my way (i never admitted it to myself until now) but more often than not i dont feel anything. if you make me feel something you mean something. he told me to stop being emotional... show no emotion. it's such common sense but i lost sight of it. so again, i hereby reaffirm my vow to not give a damn. to say EXACTLY how i feel and not hide behind the guise of protecting other folk's feelings. i dont care anymore. it's all about Leah and that's how i need to be. in the words of my old friend: "here's to reaching supreme asshole status" because frankly... that's what you gotta be to make a damn point.

dont question if you dont want the real answer

A Brooklyn father getting a tattoo called "Last Rites" inked into his flesh passed out and crashed headfirst into a glass counter yesterday, killing himself, police and witnesses said.
Joaquin Laguer, 27, nearly was decapitated during the horrific accident inside Buzz Tattoo, an unlicensed parlor in East Williamsburg.

"There was nothing I could do," said shaken tattoo artist Julio Ramos, 36. "I was kneeling next to him, praying to God. My assistant said, 'He's gone.'"

Laguer, an aspiring model and rapper, felt faint soon after Ramos finished inking the outline of an abstract, wizardlike tattoo onto his right forearm.

Saying he was hungry, Laguer walked over to a glass counter where he'd placed a Spanish takeout meal of half a chicken, fried plantains and rice.

But before he could reach the food, he passed out and slammed into the front of the counter at 2 p.m. The shattering glass sliced deeply into his neck, Ramos said.

"There was no saving him," said Ramos' assistant, Wilson Fernandez, 24.

Laguer, who had a 2-year-old daughter, was rushed to Woodhull Hospital, where he was declared dead at 2:22 p.m.

His grieving girlfriend, Shanequa Neal, said Laguer had eight tattoos and wanted another featuring a picture of their daughter, J'lynn. When he couldn't afford it, he chose another tattoo out of a catalog.

Neal was stunned by the irony of the name of the "Last Rites" image he had selected. "It was like it was his time," she said.

Laguer's mother, Ruthie Stewart, said her son had been plagued with frequent fainting spells throughout his life. The cause of the fainting was never diagnosed, largely because he did not have health insurance and couldn't afford to go to a specialist, his mother said.

"If he had fallen anywhere else, he would be here now," said Stewart, who has two teardrops tattooed under her left eye.

Laguer worked as a security guard to pay bills but had done professional modeling and dreamed of a music career. While at Paul Robeson High School in Brooklyn, he amassed a roomful of trophies for baseball, basketball and football.

His heartbroken girlfriend could not bring herself to tell J'lynn of her dad's death last night. She said she wished she had answered his phone call from the parlor shortly before the deadly accident.

"Maybe he wasn't feeling good, and I could have got him to go home," she said. "I just wish I could hear his voice."

Ramos, who said he has done tattoos for Knicks star Stephon Marbury and Los Angeles Laker Lamar Odom, was slapped with three violations for failing to have or post a license and for not maintaining proper records.

"I just wish it had never happened," he said, while mopping up blood last night. "I wish he'd gone home to his kid."

sunrise?

some random person came up to me today and said i looked very sad. not just sad... VERY sad. i looked at myself and realize i did. i was also told i looked and acted differently yesterday. my twin said reading my blog is like hearing toni braxton's "another sad love song". so.... i quit. i need to be more pleasant. so i took all that other mess down and i will officially go back to having no emotion. emotions are worthless imo. because no matter how happy you are about something there will always be another thing to make your happiness anger, sadness or let down. makes no sense. so i offically dont care. or at least i'm going to try. i took a nice little walk yesterday and just let everything out. it was no one thing in my life that was hurting me but the culmination of all the things made one situation in particular really, really get to me. i realized that it's a pipe dream essentially and i need to get over it. i need ACT happy and cheerful because that's what people expect of me. i need to quit having hopes and expectations. i set goals and i aspire so i'll just stick with that. fuck expectations, fuck comfortability.

The bruise

It gets worse everyday

leah is a genius

yes that's my arm and you dont even get the full effect. i closed my arm inside a door. :o(
life keeps throwing me little lemons. i cant make no lemonade with this shit.

ouch

you're winning the game. you're 4th down and inches. you're in the 4th quarter what do you do?
oh i know: put your high scoring starter in for a risky play.

janet knows how to shift that weight

what's wrong with this picture

tsunamis, earthquakes, mudslides, hurricanes... now this

oral diarrhea

sometimes i need to quit while i am ahead. have you ever been in a place where you said things you didnt mean but said them with such conviction that it's hard to believe you didnt mean them. i really dug my own grave this time because i think my friend now thinks i am the weirdest of the weird. i am embarassed but if they are my friend they'll see past it. i just cant beleive how i was running my damn mouth.

photoblog: aftermath (click to enlarge)

Before:
After:

some people REALLY like negativity. they like to be at the root of criticism. it's their drive, their passion, what makes them wake up in the morning. i find it so interesting that i continue to watch that mess because it's like a train wreck. i cant turn the hell away. then again i had to elimiate a lot of negative things in my life very recently and me finding the things some folks do amusing isnt consistant with what i am trying to do.

fluctuations

you my homie.
i told you that today.
i dont get all "prettied up" when i visit you and we just chill.
whatever games we play make me feel nothing.
its so empty.
i'm glad the feeling went away.
so how come that warm chestnut draws me in?
how come i hang on your every word?
how can i have so much fun with you and feel nothing and something all at the same time?
this is the craziest thing ever.
i'm content with my friendship, want nothing more...
but it feels like more.

my mind if fluctuating. i'm still happy. i have no other desires. i'm happy. so why do i feel so WEIRD??

i miss my fingernail.

eta: why are feelings so expendable to me. it makes me sad that i only care if i want to care. does that mean i'm heartless?

its all in the eyes

how come when people dont want to talk to you they break eye contact? it's like by their not meeting theirs eyes with yours they become invisible. if you're going to go badass on me and not speak, be bold about it. look me in the eye and let me know "i dont want to talk to you".

Today was an interesting day. Miss the days of laying in my bed wishing for something to do. It may be crazy but apparently all things i do are..

throwback pic

this is an old pic but find me anyway! hehehe

p.s. i'm the fat one. lol

i feel REALLY good right now.

i need it in my life.... (to feel important)

why do people take so much pride in being so damned ignorant? to the point where they are ignorant because they got a repuation to uphold and keep and theyhave to tell they're ignorant. see here's the thing. if you gotta TELL someone you're something then odds are its not really you. if i have to tell you i'm a lady then odds are i'm not. do the rich run around saying I'M RICH? hell no, they let the money speak for it's self. if you constantly say it and write diatribe after diatribe and dissertation about how ignorant you are.... it's a facade. its so wack that the only thing interesting you have to fall back on if the fact that you're known to be an ignorant motherfucker. everything else is so damn bland that it's sickening. i'll be a nice person until the day i die. i dont need gimmicks to fall back on. when someone cuts you off at the knees (usually the opposite sex) and brings you down to earth all it does it fuck with you even more. its sad that truly good people get caught in the hype.

penis envy visualized

why is it that the condom they have the least of in stock EVERYWHERE is magnums. here i see 4 rows devoted to magnums and magnumXL (which i didnt know existed) and they all are less stocked than the rest. i would like to think that since they are the least used they are the least replenlished. but we all really know insecure negros would rather slip and slide all in a condom trying to show off with the big gold condom wrapper than being real with their partner about their size. from what i hear if you can work it then size doesnt matter. men can be so insecure.

through with love

my text my ex yesterday to see how the situation is going. he says his court date was friday. okay that should be that right? wrong. it escalates to today where he calls me to tell me i was out his system but now i'm not because he talked to me. fine.... but i'm over him. far over him. i even had a boyfriend for a short time. he asks who i've been with. so i tell him i had a bf. you know this bitch squeals and hangs up on me? yes he's mad. he calls back talking about how mad he is. mind you he had a girlfriend (who he describes as an industry chick. surprise, surprise). so why cant i do me? "you're always mine." is what he says. "if i ever see you out with a nigga i'ma beat his ass" is what he says. negro come again? see this is where you mean mess up. you have a good thing, know it, treat it bad and expect it to stay. women quit letting negros do what they want and you wont get treated bad. regardless though, i feel bad. so i call the special twin to put it into perspective for me. i have to hand it to my special twin.... he was right. he makes more sense than anyone i know. he made everything so simple. let me paraphrase him "life is common sense made difficult". so true. why did i even pick up the phone? why did i let him guilt trip me? i knew what goes around comes around and he was going to miss me when i was gone. i'm gone. very much moved on and HAPPY. he asked me about my little summer boyfriend and i explained to him that he was a man, with a man's job, a man's car, a man's ambitions, and overall a good person when he wants to be. so that pissed the old friend off even more. the summer bf gave me a little taste of what i need to be looking for, except in a more understanding and caring package. it was a rough day. to say the least.

y'all men more insecure than i thought

http://forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/index.html

2005 in Review: 20 Things I Learned.

The year is nearly over. I learned somethings. Let me share...


1. Its way more fun to be a lame sitting around the house, minding your business and doing your work than it is to be out at every club and bar and in everone's drama.
2. Being drunk is overrated. I wanted it so bad, thought I could never get it and when it finally happened I was SICK.
3. Let crushes stay crushes. When they are on crush status you see them in this immaculate light. When you get them where you want them you see soooooooo much more than you wanted to see. My one crush turned out to be a great friend to me and they will stay there.
4. Dont fuck with greeks. Period. This was a rule from before but I'm reinstating it. I have seen too much to change my mind. Greeks are drama and most them weren't shit before the letters. They get some letters and they want to be all badass.
5. People who weren't important to anyone before will take any sign of people paying attention to them and run with it, even if its negative. i.e. I'll let you call me a Bitch because it makes me feel like I'm important enough to talk about.
6. Beware good deeds initially. You dont know how they will flip it in the next 2 months. People love to get you hooked on the ideal them and then when they tire of you they let the asshole freeeeeee.
7. Never give to receive. I give a lot. I never receive. And that's fine with me. I'd be a very bitter bitch if i expected folks to give back to me. My birthday is coming up. I gave some good gifts this year for other people's birthdays. I dont have high hopes of seeing anything great for mine. Hell... I love a thought out card or letter but I doubt I'll be getting it.
8. Some people talk a really good game. I cant even elaborate but they were good enough to get what they want out of me and I usually can see right through it.
9. Never trust a man who isnt where he wants to be in life. He wants to see someone else around him in the same spot.
10. Judge a man by the company he keeps. If he keeps little (1 person) or no company BEWARE. He's got issues and they will show. I'm an introvert but I am not a borderline sociopath. There's a difference.
11. If your friends tell you a man is a dog listen before you get pregnant by him.
12. If no other man loves you, your daddy always will.
13. Dont give a fuck. More people like you this way. No one likes a nice person.
14. Eventually everyone has a dream to come true.
15. I'm blessed.
16. If something is going great never take it for granted. I took this summer for granted and it was great. I got to experience so many things. Even New Orleans in it's old state for one last time.
17. God makes a way and doesnt have time for those lukewarm believers. Cynics? Move out the way. Unfaithful? Brace yourself.
18. It doesnt matter how old you are... GET YOUR DEGREE!!!!
19. What goes around comes around. You can be a big man, doing everything you want one minute and then have 11 trumped up charges against you including vehicular homicide on you the next. Does what's right people.
20. Love yourself and each day will become more satisfying. Your insecurities show to a perceptive eye.


and it's only october. hehehe.