suffocation

i let desires and wants get the best of me. i showed my most vulnerable spot. this shit hurts, no doubt. i let the tears go. they were there. they wanted to show. the have been dancing in my lids since yesterday. i. cant. do. this. anymore. i want the old days back. its stressful, not fun, not what it used to be. it wont ever be what it used to be. repeated apologies exchanged do nothing. it doesnt make the emotion go away. "life is never fair", they always told me that. i am seeing that. hurts more than my name being in shit constantly (maybe i do it to myself though. or maybe i'm extremely misunderstood). hurts more than doing bad on an exam. it hurts more thak me breaking a toe, hurts more than being called ugly and fat.

the part that hurts me the most is why when i finally feel something new is it for something that is so unaccessable and unattainable? we both said it and laughed: "God has a sense of humor". aint that the truth? well just call me comicview because hes getting a barrel of laughs right now. i still feel like i am suffocating. oh yeah i remember one more thing that hurts. the perfection in the moments, when this is not a focus, was so wonderful and it hurts because in the rubble it will get lost. i guess its a sacrafice and eventually this all will go away. but right now i cant breathe.