yay
the bs is about to be over and i can be happy again!!! no more miserable blog!!!
but i'm still sick. i cant wait for 2006.
.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
i am a strange, bizarre and intoxicatingly special person. get to know me. i love caramel. that's all i know. bump chocolate and vanilla.
the bs is about to be over and i can be happy again!!! no more miserable blog!!!
its amazing how being sick and forced to stay in bed can affect you. i am lying in bed with nothing to do. i have been wishing for day like this but my head is full of thoughts. well ONE thought in particular. i cant stand it really but hey. what can i do? i think i'll just go get my stuff tomorrow and then kind of inch away from the situation. every time i have a free moment i cant be sitting up here like this.
1. complete sex and the city dvd series.
i didnt go to class today. yesterday was pure awful in sooooooooo many ways. so i talk to my old friend: maryland. he came through with the pep talk. so i need to stop living life on a timer. that's my problem i live life on a timer and try and force things when i need to go with the flow. dammit i was cool in april. so i need a damn vacation (maryland when you going to invite me down? LOL) i need to just stay in bed alllll day, go eat my fav foods, take a HOT bath, do my toes put on my silk pajamas (yes i have some and they are wonderful) and get back in bed. how about i go to a black sand beach (yes that's still a dream of mine) black sand on honey skin just sounds so beautiful right now. i hate the weather right now. it's not helping me. i am just going to chill out this afternoon until i can get myself up to go to work. i havent had this feeling in a long time.
i let desires and wants get the best of me. i showed my most vulnerable spot. this shit hurts, no doubt. i let the tears go. they were there. they wanted to show. the have been dancing in my lids since yesterday. i. cant. do. this. anymore. i want the old days back. its stressful, not fun, not what it used to be. it wont ever be what it used to be. repeated apologies exchanged do nothing. it doesnt make the emotion go away. "life is never fair", they always told me that. i am seeing that. hurts more than my name being in shit constantly (maybe i do it to myself though. or maybe i'm extremely misunderstood). hurts more than doing bad on an exam. it hurts more thak me breaking a toe, hurts more than being called ugly and fat.
You give me butterflies got me flying so high in the sky i cant control the butterflies. You give me something i just cant deny something thats so sweet i just cant control the way i feel.... (i never felt like this)
I am starving i am fiending for some starbucks. Shame on me. Today will be a long day. I need a vacation, breakfast in bed and a massage.
i know it's been a while since i blogged. in all honestly i had nothing to blog about. i went to DC for howard's homecoming. that's pretty much the high point. i need some rest. i need to lie in bed for a day with nothing but pj's on, eating, reading the harry potter series and watching sex and the city. speaking of sex and the city.
Next to the homeless and mentally ill, smokers are the stinkiest people on earth. I am not feeling my breath smelling like a fresh fart everyday.
girls just wanna have fun in krimson and kream
there once was a girl who lived in a tower all alone. she lived there by choice, she was not forced there, she chose a life of isolation. she did not like too many people and had only one friend. she also had a very large heart. she loved to do for people just because when she did nice things it made her feel good. the happiness did not always last however because at night she would lie down in her bed and let her mind wander. she dreamt of the day that she would meet someone as kind as she was, that she could call on when she needed them. right now her life was very much one sided. occasionally her eyes let a tear slip but this was the only sign of a deepening sadness which was welling within her and threatened to outweigh her joy. one night as she lay her raven hair on her pillow and allow her ebony eyes to focus on the ceiling she realized that she didnt do things for people in order to receive things back, however she also decided that when her instincts told her that she was being used that she would pull back. she turned and looked out the window and thought "where will i get the strength to resist what my heart compells me to do?"
yesterday i called my dad. i was upset and i knew he was the only one could relate. my daddy made it to a place not many could make. he was born the youngest of four and therefore the most envied. the last boy to a doting mother (who died when he was 14). my father is a senior software engineer with no degree. almost always self employed since graduating high school, a hard worker and self taught. he's also cut throat. he says what he wants, says what he feels and needs to say. he doesnt care about hurt feelings. why? because often times common sense hurts, the truth hurts and people dont want to hear it.
some random person came up to me today and said i looked very sad. not just sad... VERY sad. i looked at myself and realize i did. i was also told i looked and acted differently yesterday. my twin said reading my blog is like hearing toni braxton's "another sad love song". so.... i quit. i need to be more pleasant. so i took all that other mess down and i will officially go back to having no emotion. emotions are worthless imo. because no matter how happy you are about something there will always be another thing to make your happiness anger, sadness or let down. makes no sense. so i offically dont care. or at least i'm going to try. i took a nice little walk yesterday and just let everything out. it was no one thing in my life that was hurting me but the culmination of all the things made one situation in particular really, really get to me. i realized that it's a pipe dream essentially and i need to get over it. i need ACT happy and cheerful because that's what people expect of me. i need to quit having hopes and expectations. i set goals and i aspire so i'll just stick with that. fuck expectations, fuck comfortability.
yes that's my arm and you dont even get the full effect. i closed my arm inside a door. :o(
life keeps throwing me little lemons. i cant make no lemonade with this shit.
sometimes i need to quit while i am ahead. have you ever been in a place where you said things you didnt mean but said them with such conviction that it's hard to believe you didnt mean them. i really dug my own grave this time because i think my friend now thinks i am the weirdest of the weird. i am embarassed but if they are my friend they'll see past it. i just cant beleive how i was running my damn mouth.
some people REALLY like negativity. they like to be at the root of criticism. it's their drive, their passion, what makes them wake up in the morning. i find it so interesting that i continue to watch that mess because it's like a train wreck. i cant turn the hell away. then again i had to elimiate a lot of negative things in my life very recently and me finding the things some folks do amusing isnt consistant with what i am trying to do.
you my homie.
how come when people dont want to talk to you they break eye contact? it's like by their not meeting theirs eyes with yours they become invisible. if you're going to go badass on me and not speak, be bold about it. look me in the eye and let me know "i dont want to talk to you".
Today was an interesting day. Miss the days of laying in my bed wishing for something to do. It may be crazy but apparently all things i do are..
why do people take so much pride in being so damned ignorant? to the point where they are ignorant because they got a repuation to uphold and keep and theyhave to tell they're ignorant. see here's the thing. if you gotta TELL someone you're something then odds are its not really you. if i have to tell you i'm a lady then odds are i'm not. do the rich run around saying I'M RICH? hell no, they let the money speak for it's self. if you constantly say it and write diatribe after diatribe and dissertation about how ignorant you are.... it's a facade. its so wack that the only thing interesting you have to fall back on if the fact that you're known to be an ignorant motherfucker. everything else is so damn bland that it's sickening. i'll be a nice person until the day i die. i dont need gimmicks to fall back on. when someone cuts you off at the knees (usually the opposite sex) and brings you down to earth all it does it fuck with you even more. its sad that truly good people get caught in the hype.
my text my ex yesterday to see how the situation is going. he says his court date was friday. okay that should be that right? wrong. it escalates to today where he calls me to tell me i was out his system but now i'm not because he talked to me. fine.... but i'm over him. far over him. i even had a boyfriend for a short time. he asks who i've been with. so i tell him i had a bf. you know this bitch squeals and hangs up on me? yes he's mad. he calls back talking about how mad he is. mind you he had a girlfriend (who he describes as an industry chick. surprise, surprise). so why cant i do me? "you're always mine." is what he says. "if i ever see you out with a nigga i'ma beat his ass" is what he says. negro come again? see this is where you mean mess up. you have a good thing, know it, treat it bad and expect it to stay. women quit letting negros do what they want and you wont get treated bad. regardless though, i feel bad. so i call the special twin to put it into perspective for me. i have to hand it to my special twin.... he was right. he makes more sense than anyone i know. he made everything so simple. let me paraphrase him "life is common sense made difficult". so true. why did i even pick up the phone? why did i let him guilt trip me? i knew what goes around comes around and he was going to miss me when i was gone. i'm gone. very much moved on and HAPPY. he asked me about my little summer boyfriend and i explained to him that he was a man, with a man's job, a man's car, a man's ambitions, and overall a good person when he wants to be. so that pissed the old friend off even more. the summer bf gave me a little taste of what i need to be looking for, except in a more understanding and caring package. it was a rough day. to say the least.
The year is nearly over. I learned somethings. Let me share...