if

i was introduced to a small word with a lot of meaning. its amazing how a small word summarizes my feelings about a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation i am in. everything is purely conditional and dependant on other things.... things that are not going my way. damn it, my every instinct is telling me to "stop" but it all feels really good. its a case of i wanted something so badly and i got it, only half way and on top of that i know i'll never get it fully. i need to step away from the situation because it's getting bad. unbeknownst to any observers or involved parties. i am good at putting on fronts that i dont care. in actuality i care so much... way more than i should. to the point that the things request are only requested with the goal of temporary feeling like i have what i want. it cant ever be. why? because the conditions are all pointing in the way that i wont get it. i saw things through rose colored and clouded glasses and when i finally asked... i knew the conditions were all wrong. if i step away... will i regret it?