piss or get off the boat

drug tests seem to be more and more common place for employment. great for employers, crappy for folks like me who barely even drink. so a little background. i am a water junkie, i joined the water cult because my skin needs it. i have to wash down my daily vitamin a&d, and b complex supplements. it also helps me maintain my weight and i also like to feel good. with that said: this morning i go for my drug test so i can work this job with great hours, benefits for part time employees and nice pay for someone like me. i get there at 6:45.... time to go. oh wait let me back up. i woke up in the morning and only had a trickle. i figured it wont be so bad since i woke up at 5 am and i drank a glass of water. however, i NEVER trickle. ever, ever, ever. so i get to quest diagnostics at 6:45. i wash my hands, pick my cup, go the in the bathroom and put the cup down there..... mind you it doesnt feel too good because i got the fresh wax (not the brazillian... i'm poor right now. next month!) so its chafing a little. so i start to relax... think of water falls. yes we've got power and then........ nothing. man i couldnt get an inch in that big cup. THAT MESS SUCKS. so i go and drink five cups of water... i am not allowed to wash my hands either. SICK. so i am sitting there, twiddling my thumb studying cylindrical and spherical coordinate conversions. great i feel a little something 30 min later. houston, i'm ready for liftoff.

back in the little bathroom. they turn off the water and put blue dye in the toilet for something. i dunno. here i go... cup in place.... TRICKLE. less than before. okay so i jump up and down trying to get the urine to go into my bladder I JUST DRANK ABOUT 40 OUNCES OF WATER FOR GOODNESS SAKES. i go for it again. drip...drip..dr.... damn. why does it gotta be a drought when i'm usually like the damn nile when it overflow's its banks? ugh. so i go out and ask if i can go take my final(which starts at 8 and it's now 7:30). nope, the employer must be called to grant permission. I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW MY URINE IS NOT HOLDING ME HOSTAGE. man i wanna kick rocks. actually i dont. i find it humorous because when i go back i the waiting room i know everyone can tell that i cant go. i am also paranoid that i smell because i cant wash my hands (i will imagine smells, just so you know. i am very anal).

so i have to call home to get the contact's number. now here's more background for you. it took me two days to get in touch with this chick because she aint NEVA at her desk EVER EVER EVER. i pray today will be different. i get the number and call it. maybe, i hope, when they call she will answer. i am back in the waiting room. twiddling my thumbs. out comes the nurse "no answer, no one is in, you have to stay". what the hell??????? it's 8 am now, exam is starting. damn it. 8:15... people go in... piss... come right back out. am i imagining them looking at me laughing because cant go? damn it. WHERE DID ALL YESTERDAY'S WATER GO? (note to self, weight yourself when you get home. you gotta be super bloated or something). 8:20: i decide i am leaving at 8:30 no matter what. as i am sitting there i feel a little tingle in my groin. its like a steady stream....... my bladder feels full........ I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN, I THINK I AM... back to the desk to ask AGAIN to go potty. *sigh* i go through the routine again. here we go.. cup in place.... hover (i dont sit on anybody's toilet except my own. HOLLA) YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. i got more than enough for that cup but i make sure she gets a ton of it.
okay now i have some thoughts:

1. i never knew you could feel your bladder filling
2. for all the trickles in the world how can ALL the water rush to my bladder at once?
3. how conclusive would you think a drug test would be when all i did was give them clear water that ran through my body and came back out at clear water? if i did drugs there wasnt none in there.
4. why couldn't they be satisfied with my previous trickles?
5. where the HELL did all the other water go? i better not be bloated. i gotta be a fly bitch this weekend.

okay so now i shared my pissy story with you. haha. enjoy. COMMENT BITCH!!!!!!!!!