end of the year redemption

1. as much as i hate "the other" for talking bad about me/us, i discuss them talking about me/us just as much as they may discuss me/us. and i add in little hateful things too like calling one "the tipdrill ass horse bitch". that felt good.

2. this summer i did something i have never done in my life and it was amazingly satisfying. i still dont feel guilty.

3. as much as i struggled over what i couldnt have, i realized God put someone in my life to remind we why it was GOOD i couldnt have it. they repeat it to me time and time again and are constantly there to laugh at me when i realize how much my image of the situation is counter to the reality.

4. aka was my downfall this semester. my grades took a little hit so now i have to take 18 credits and get all A's to make my GPA pretty again. i figure i can pick up an IS minor to go along with my business minor.

5. i love that i have met money savvy young people. i now have a pretty savings nest and a feeling of slight security that others my age and older dont have.

6. my dad scares me.

7. my mom scares me too sometimes.

8. i feel awful that i am just graduating but in my defense i needed 2 years to get my mind right and i took it. i'm not that much older than people who actually went to the same school straight through and are graduating.

9. at least i am graduating.

10. there are people who i dont like that, while i dont talk to, i give them a smile sometimes. they are still my friend on facebook and sometimes i check their pages. i think for the new year i will purge my friends list. why be fake?

11. AKA isnt getting me into heaven.

12. i am on my grown woman.

13. my new young girls are great even though i gave them (and still do) give them a hard time. its not so bad now, they finally see the light and what i have been saying.

14. i really dont regret not having the opportunity to get right anymore. people would still talk shit. i figure i did my version of pure hell over the course of a year and if thats not good enough for anyone else "fuck em".

15. if you hate my driving... fuck you. if you comment on my driving and dont have even a license im going to look at you, smirk and tell you "better safe and sorry" and think about how wack you are to comment on what i'm doing safely.

16. i let myself be used way to much. i need to learn the word NO. i got an early start on that resolution.

17. the person who was resolution number 1 is no longer my vice and therefore is no longer a resolution.

18. there's a girl i never met that i looked at like she was beyonce: the celebrity you never met that has what you want. she still doesnt know i exist and i no longer care if she does.

19. i want to get along better with my brother. the world has turned its back on me and i couldnt even tell my family what was going on. i cried alone in my bed and hid the tears.

20. i wanted a rabbit for christmas... so sue me.

21. i partook one last time and it was the worst yet... i'm definitly over it.

22. i desperatly want to lose 10 more lbs, finally want my hair to grow, and to be stylish in the new year.

23. i secretly dream to the tune of r&b all day and i wish i could stop.

24. i hate working, i am only doing it for a reference letter or else i'd quit and enjoy my senior year.

25. my dad gives me beaucoup money and i dont feel bad that i'm 24. i'm spoiled, and i love it and i am going to stop hiding it because you all think its unacceptable for a 24 year old to be dependant on her parents. i aint married so, shit.... its tradition.

26. i am really angry my inheiritance washed away during the hurricane. i want to be angry with my uncle for losing it but he is a really nice man and he has his own internal struggles and i cant bring myself to feel that way.

27. love wasnt trying to evade me this year, i was evading it.

28. i am scared of a new relationship, as much as i talk that shit about being hurt so bad by my ex and wanting a new "boo" i am scared to death.

29. i dont want a boyfriend. i really just want a cuddle buddy to watch movies with that doesnt have a girlfriend and that will like to kiss me sometimes (no tongue).

30. i am embarassed to let people come to my house because of where it is and how small it is regardless of the fact that my mom doesnt make much money. (my dad got a raise....)

31. i was anti ipod because i wanted to be different and i couldnt afford a quality ipod when i got my mp3 player.

32. my long distance relationship didnt fail for any of the reasons i gave. they were excuses and didnt make any sense.

33. when i was in new orleans someone called me and we would talk for hours about nothing and everything and i enjoyed those conversations more than anything at the time. i now regret that more than anything i've done this year. for multiple reasons but the main one is that i spent less time with my grandfather than usual and he thought i was mad at him. i wished i could sit in the rocking chair with him one more time or nap on the chinese sofas.... its all gone. the next week he was stuck in jersey, his wife missing between layfaytte and hattiesburg and his son thought to be washed away.

34. i regret the entire end ouf august: i wasted myself.

35. i miss my friend/ls/ex-roomie and say i dont like the phone so i dont have to call her but i hate that i dont have much to talk to her about anymore. i'll just stick to visiting her. i am scared of losing that friendship.

36. i secretly like saying i'm 24 so everyone can tell me i look so young.

37. i secretly despise my org. never want to wear the letters, gave all my stuff away and am contemplating going inactive. i just want to go to boule and the centennial celebration. after that i quit. i dont love it, i'm bitter about it.

38. this one follows from 37 but i could never bring myself to type it. its sacreligous.

39. every time i pray my mind distracts me. i tell myself its the devil keeping me from praying because i'm scared that i am not really interested.

40. i feel good about this but i have one more secret that i want to sent to postsecret.....

41. i am growing addicted to shopping because i never had anything when i was younger. i am not addicted to full priced items.... i am addicted to sales.

42. i am scared people think i have AIDS because my geographical tongue has qualities of hairy leukoplakia.

43. i beleive everything my young girl says about him. everything i said to him in my moment of anger i beleived. i lied and said it was done in the heat of the moment but in reality i was so calm.

44. i used my blog to put things on blast in a subtle way because i know a lot of you are nosy as hell and have a good idea of what i am talking about.

45. i am glad a dude with a girly mouth saw me yesterday, fuck being a secret friend.