if you never know.. just what you mean...

you were my first love



my first love. he's 6'3'', thick, bright with freckles and auburn hair (his beard is straight up red). he keeps his face clean, his hair lined up. bright red lips. medium brown eyes with freckles on his eyelids. both ears pierced. favorite color black. he was stylish enough to pick out my outfits and when he was feeling nice he would pick me up a MAC lipglass. he's exactly 366 days older than me. he was my first real love.

we aren't together now for a reason. those three years were tumultuous. it all ended for sure december 2004, 3 days before christmas. we had an altercation. i'll leave it a t that. i figured after that it would be the end right? wrong. he's going through something now and last night we were texting back and forth. he tells me that what he's going through now made him miss me because we always stuck by each other. i am sorry he feels this way. i always told him the beautiful girls would leave him feeling like something is missing. sadly i have a soft spot for him. i try and vilanize him when i tell folks about him but the truth is he wasnt that bad. i mean, he did hurt me so deeply at one point i didnt eat for a week but he just did what i allowed him to do. dont get me wrong, i dont want him back but dealing with these other guys has made me realize a lot. for one, we could always have something to talk about. for two, he never tried to make me a jumpoff. third he was generous. i am a generous girl and i will straight shower my bf with gifts because thats what i like to do and he would do the same for me (this is before he had money too. when he got money he became stingy although every now and then he still handed me a little wad of money).

its funny what first loves can do. time to move on though. i cant seem to make a relationship even get off the ground. i'm either second choice, someone to be embarassed of, live too far, dont have anything in common or something else.


if you never know just what you mean
You are my first love
If you never know
You're everything
You are my first love

Tell me how a thing that brings such joy can bring such pain
And how could something so wrong seem so right
We never had the chance to make it get better
We never said goodbye, no
I never wanna feel the pain of losing love again
Cuz love just has a way of breaking down
Next time I'm gonna pray that things will be better
The second time around
So here's to love that's lost and found