if you looked in my life...

and seen what i've seen.

so today i was out shopping. my chapter member is about to have a bouncing baby girl. i am quite sure the baby will have gorgeous dark cocoa skin and beautiful hair along with some bright, big and slightly slanted eyes. i went into target and sam's club and got her a whole bunch of stuff since i couldnt come through on the baby shower. i dont know, i might get her more depending on what she needs. but anyway i found myself in the layette aisle and suddenly i got jealous. then sad. i couldn't figure it out. i've been really emotional the past two weeks because a lot of stuff has gone on but i couldnt figure out why i was feeling that way in the middle of the baby aisle. then i remembered: i wanted to be engaged by now. in my plan i had hoped to be engaged by 23, married by 25 and thinking about kids by 27. well i'm pushing 24 now, about to be graduated. not even a potential boyfriend in sight. i'll probably end up in grad school next year and then working a real job in two. i will probably be moving all around the eastern and southern parts of the country depending on where i decide to go to school. its dawning on me more an more that eventually i am going to have to either a) settle for career and no family b) settle on a man who isnt what i want because family is very important to me c) give up the dreams and go where life takes me. i am not saying i want a baby right now at all. my soror is going through way too much and i have seen what others go through. a baby momma is not a good look for me. so i'm looking into my life. this is definitly a crossroads for me and i am seeing it more and more. school starts monday. all i have on my schedule is euclidian geometry and physics. maybe i'll find some research or maybe i'll conduct my own. who knows. all i know is..

you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
Except for the man up above
Because he'll give you love
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don't believe in me
Just believe in "He"

Cause he'll give you peace of mind
Yes he will
And you'll see the sunshine
And you'll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine