racings thoughts... numbing of the body

i have a numbness trickling through my body. i was so warm and then it was as though a drop of ice water hit my body and chilled me through and through. only a drop, a little inkling, a little thing that should be nothing has caused me to freeze.. and think.

perfection is never attained. ever, no matter how hard you try there is never perfection. if you ever feel something is perfect, look again and look hard because there is something you are overlooking. something that you need to see to let you know its not as perfect as it seems. where is it? i dont want to think its been found but i think it has.

the constrast of two thoughts that one has clearly defined to be seperate only implies that one wishes them to be seperate in but in actuality they are not. in subconciously contrasting things one tends to lean toward, becomes partial toward, the more comfortable: in what they know. they do not see the the full picture with the comfort. what gives comfort in this situation? i dont know. in my case i let what comforted me most go. i dove into the blackness, with no safety blanket, and just learned to face it. it turned out well. i did what i had to do as i was always told nothing good would result until i did this. but is this everyone's technique? i think not. i am learning not to advise my technique because people dont see it. my LS cant see it and i can see her following the path i walked for 4 years. others dont see it. i want to keep my words to myself now. i think i will. i feel so dumb and helpless right now. my pessimistic mind that is oh so beautiful at times is definitly getting the best of me. can i help it if i see it? i have walked the path. its like watching a car wreck before it happens. you know whats going to happen but you cant stop it. weak....

okay this blog might be pure gibberish to many of you. if i were on xanga it would be made private but i'll just put it out there because it needs to be released and because i am so secretive about certain things i cant really talk about it to anyone.