any takers?

CONFIDENTIAL
To whom it may concern:
Reference is made to the partnership between ________________ and Leah (referred to hereunto as Expressions) on this day ________________ in the year two thousand two hundred and five.

I. Emotions
a. In exchange for the agreement to be together in a committed relationship you, ______________ agree to have dealt with all feelings from all past relationships. Thereunto the flame must be extinguished. If said flame is not extinguished you agree to not hold Expressions to a relationship where she is not being given a fair try.
b. When you, ___________________, fall in love with Expressions you must let her know. Expressions agrees to do the same. There will be no fear of saying it first.
c. Let Expressions know when you are not feeling her anymore. Do not pick a fight and hope she will break up with you and do not just cut her off with no warning.
d. Be delicate with expressions’ heart as it was severely damaged and through years of TLC has been healed with barely any trace of a scar.
II. Old Flames
a. You,_____________, shall agree that when you feel love for an old flame reemerging you will let expressions go with respect for her growing feelings for you
b. You may be friends with ex’s but Expressions is also granted this liberty to be used at her discretion.
III. Cheating
a. You, ______________________ shall agree to be castrated if caught cheating.
IV. Identity
a. You, ____________________ shall be yourself at all times
b. You must be accepting of expression’s weirdness
c. You must be committed to being a nerd
i. You must be an addict to one of the following:
1. Harry Potter
2. Star Trek
3. Star Wars
4. Lord of the Rings
5. Role Playing Games
d. You are not required to have a degree but you must be hard working
V. Expressions’s agreement
a. Whatever you desire, I'll aspire
b. Sing You A Song
c. Turn my game on
d. I'll brush your hair
e. Help Put Your Do Rag On
f. A foot rub
g. Manicure
h. I'm going to fulfill your Mind, Body, And Spirit
i. I'll keep myself up
j. Remain The Same Chick You Fell In Love With (Yeah)
k. I'll keep it tight
l. I'll keep my figure right
m. I'll keep my hair fixed
n. Keep rocking the hottest outfits
o. When you come home late tap me on my shoulder I’ll roll over
p. Baby I heard you, I’m here to serve you
q. If it’s love you need, to give it is my joy
r. All I want do it cater to you boy
s. Through the good, the bad, the ups and the ill still be here for you
t. Fulfill your every desire.
u.
Please indicate agreement with this contract thereby signing your name to the following
I __________(the undersigned) hereby state my intention to pursue a relationship with Expressions. I agree to be as good to her as she is to me and to understand that no relationship is perfect. We will have arguments and disagreements but you agree to pull through and work with it.

edited to add: one need not apply without the express intent to court expressions in anyway, without wanting to know expressions anyway or without wanting to do all types of nerdy things with her. the signer must get the express consent from expressions and be willing to accept all complements gracefully and accept how great they are i.e. NO UNCONFIDENT MOFOS. you may NOT be a bootlegger, drug dealer or any other type of hustler, no ballers, no atheletes, no rappers, nymphomaniacs, no sex addicted fools, no man who has any desire to get expressions to partake in a household of three i.e. menage a trois. you may be prettier than expressions but do not take longer to get dressed than expressions (i.e. one hour or one hour and thirty minutes for formal events) you agree not to wear clear nail polish, expressions will buff your nails as needed. the signee is entitled to one pedicure a month at his discretion and must wear colognge. all those who cannot agree with these stipulations need not apply. HOLLA BACK