official

i think right now i am fighting the inevitable. i dont want to admit it to myself but i am really not listening to what is in my face. my feelings are hurt right now. i am sorry i put other peoples needs, wants and feelings before my own. i act like my mother i guess. now i get to go to bed and feel awful. when asked i'll probably get some simple explaination that makes me feel really dumb but i know, in the back of my my mind and in my heart its not so.

i think the reason i am battling the inevitable is because it will mean i made a very big mistake with something that was very important to me. i gave something away that i should have saved for myself a little longer. actually i pretty much gave away several things. i didnt go by the rules. i think i am going to regret it. i thought it was worth it but the past week i have been thinking otherwise. this is not what i thought it would be. the obvious shortcomings due to circumstance is one thing but these others.... i didnt expect. things are not what they seemed to be initially. so now i am giving myself a week to ponder. maybe my imagination is running away with me but i dont think so. the feeling that i should be feeling just isnt there and i need it to be to continue with this.

in all this i think its me. i know that i'm the shortcoming. i'm the reason these things never work out. maybe i need to just retire. lol. because the things that should be a piece of cake, perfection are just not. i cant blame my parents, its me and only me that made things like this. i am hoping its not what i think but if it is i need to get out while my potential loss is minimal. i cant be where i was before... i dont think i could bear it.






i dont know what to do.