its been a little while since i had a serious or personal blog. so i figured at i sit here at 3:36 am on my final free day before my last semester that i needed to get this feeling out. i was told by someone that i was in their top 3 friends. this follows being told by others that i am in the "top girlfriends", "top nicest people", "top sweetest people" etc. i have come to the conclusion that i am a top friend because of what i can do for someone. i am a major giver. i give my all, i'd give you my kidney if it matched. i have a love for people in general. so because of this people say things to keep me around, to make me feel appreciated when their actions say otherwise many times. sadly i fall for it time and time again because those words so make me feel valued and special because i dont feel particularly valued at any other point. so in essence i am unknowingly bribing people to be around me and i dont want to do that. i sat and thought about how many times i asked certain people to go out, join me for lunch, see a movie, go to a museum and how few times (never) anyone asked me to go anywhere. when i realized that it was never it hurt. it was like the thought was never there. it hurts really bad to realize words that once meant so much to you were said with ulterior motives. i started out my year good, will continue my year good but for now i feel SO hurt because i have been so naive. nice girls finish last and dammit, i have finished last time and time again. my niceness gets me no where because it presents no challenge. my giving heart makes me a prime target to be used. however... i'll continue on. i feel good to do things for others even if they are using me. in my heart i know that its what i want to do. i never want anything in return but to know the intention was never there hurts so much. especially if its someone you care about and try and uplift in so many ways. this vent is over. never to be spoken of again... the hurt is not gone but it will be buried with the rest of the hurts from 2005. it was the last lingering one. i'm strong. i'm a fighter. i'm unbreakable.