the past
in honor of switching blogs (and increasing boredom) i am going to post my favorite xanga blogs and be done with it. enjoy it now. hehe
why do we have to love people? its just a reason to be broken hearted, depressed and full of unexpressable sadness. how can someone tell you they love you (but not to be mistaken with IN love with you) but then they constantly put themselves before everything. love is simply the act of putting someone else before yourself. love is not selfish. if you are selfish in a relationship YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE. think about this: good lasting marriages have good sex. what is good sex? being able to know what your partner wants and to be able to put aside what you want in trying to satisfy your partner. why does this work? because the other person is trying their hardest to satify you and in the end you all acheive ultimate satisfaction. sex is the ultimate symbol of love, loveless sex is onesided. one person is not happy. this equates to failure. so before you run off and say "i love you" think about what that means. and don't dare say you love someone because of what it can get you, that's borerline blasphemous. anyway. why do we have to love? humans are selfish in nature. why do something that defies what is natural? |
Today I feel happy, free like a bird. It's raining out but I have always loved rain. I love to have the window open, the cool breeze and the slight mist. It's the coziest time to take a little nap. I am glad I got to enjoy a day before I go back to school. My hair is braided right now. I think i want to just grow my relaxer out and get a texturizer. I dont know though. I am having a physical identity crisis in that i dont know what i want to look like. I need to do my eyebrows, but i dont know if i want them thick or thin. I dont know if i want to continue not to wear a lot of makeup or if i want to go back to the full face. I dont know if i want to continue to be all dressy or if i want to go back to the old laid back me. The odd thing is i dont change my appearance to suit or attract anyone else. I think this is the motivating force in the image of many people. Since i dont have this motivation to look a certain way i am confused as to where i am going with my look. I do know i need to lose this 5 lbs of holiday weight plus another 15 or so. I have some resolutuons for the new year but i may save them for another entry. we shall see how i feel............ |
CLEANING OUT MY CLOSET: 2005 drama. we all feed off of it. but sometimes you have your fill. i am tired of being the scapegoat. i am tired of being the easy one to implicate when something goes wrong. hell, i get blamed for enough stuff that i might as well do all the rotten things i get blamed for. this hasnt happened as of late but thinking back it has happened enough. drama..... acceptance. we all want to accepted. some of us are accepted for our uniqueness. some of us rid ourselves of uniqueness to be accepted. some of us join organizations. what does leah do? none of the above (to the naysayers. i did not join ANY organization for the acceptance of others). i know that acceptance for me isnt what it is to others. as long as the people i love accept me i am cool. they do.... love. damn. i wish i was in it. i wish one day i could know the feeling of someone feeling for me as i do for them. hasn't happened yet. so is true love the reciprocation or mirror of one's feelings for someone? can love be considered love if it's one sided? why do people want to be in love? if i could make the desire go away i would. i am a romantic at heart. is my purpose in life rooted in romantic love?i hope not because if it is i am failing horribly. why i am so fixated on relationships right now? it took me by surprise. funny thing... when i was in one i took it for granted. love is a funny thing. lies. why do i have so many damn liars in my life? i can't take it. people lie about so much. they lie about doing nice things, to things they see on t.v. to how much they want to support you. the last i can't take. dont be phoney to me... especially when i am so genuine to you. i really put myself out there for people. and in return i get my feelings hurt. thats why friends are so hard to come by. friends. as much of a romantic i am i dont desire an abundance of friends. give me one and i'm cool. my friend taught me not to trust folks. i am grateful. she gave me some glasses to replace my old rose colored ones with which i am able to see true colors. however.... i am seeing in 16 bit and she sees in 32. things and perceptions are much clearer. it takes years to master such things. these are one of the reasons i regret being so sheltered. thats okay. i appreciate my new vision and with it i have eliminated some shifty people. sadly.... fakeness may soon follow. i like being so truthful... truth dont leave me.
what is eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? watch the movie. if i had the choice would i erase HIM from my memory? no. a feeling so beautiful and so sad should never be erased. why erase those lessons learned? hell... coulda been worse. i wish i had a time machine. i would go back to 2002. that's when my world changed. i miss you..... but i dont. i dont want a spotless mind, but can we just dust a little? i learned i need discipline. it just isnt natural to me. sadly.... how can you resist wanting to have that safe feeling in your life again? how can you resist the thought that maybe this time will be different? |
Jumbled Thoughts I am rather happy right now. It overcame me. People are praying for me.... I feel it. Meanwhile back on the ranch I can also feel the pull from the otherside. People dont realize they are allowing they devil to use them. I have to clean out my closet right now. You cant just keep all your old shoes because they are comfy because some of them eventually are going to mess your feet up. You dont want to have bunions and crap for when you get your new shoes.. it will just ruin the experience.You want to start off fresh, nice healthy feet for new shoes. okay new topic. why is my attention span so short. people will capture my attention for a short while and then the next day they are so uninteresting. i want to find someone who can catch my attention for the long term. life right now is just not fair. why cant i be attracted to those who are attracted to me? it just aint happening. is it me or what? if a man calls you at 3 in the morning to meet you (not pick you up) for a bite to eat should you or should you not be offended? how about people who lie and say something is going on between you and them and it's really not? sucks for them to have to carry on the front and the lie. why dont i like to be touched? right now i only want one person to touch me and they are like poison to my life right now. it's sad... i will never be so connected to another. oh well. i am over it except for times like now when it's snowing and you want to just sit and enjoy that person's presence. 5 years is too long...... i am shifting into a new phase. my niceness is slowing leaving me... i have no patience. i am still waiting for my time to shine. am i a dying star or a newly born star? it's all dark matter isn't? searchin... searchin... searchin................ I never dreamed you’d leave in summer |
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Leah 2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Denim 3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? jennifer lopez: get right 4. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Rosemary's Breast 5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Yup 6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Pink 7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? ice cold 8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? one of my brothers 9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? hmmm 10. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? 23 11. FAVORITE DRINK? pink lemonade 12. FAVORITE SPORT? football 13. HAIR COLOR? blue black 14. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yup 15. SIBLINGS? 2 16. FAVORITE MONTH? december 17. FAVORITE FOOD? cheeseburger 18. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? mrs ever's boys 19. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? december 4th 20. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? cry or xanga 21. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? barbie 22. SUMMER OR WINTER? spring 23. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs 24. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? vanilla 25. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL BACK? email 28. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? dorm 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 4 days ago 30. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? everything you can think of 31. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? my damn self 32. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? homework 33. FAVORITE SMELLS? burning wood, liquor mixed with a nice cologne and winterfresh gum 34. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? love 35. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? failure 36. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? butter 37.FAVORITE CAR? who needs favorite cars? 38. FAVORITE FLOWER? alstromeria 39. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 1 40. CAN YOU JUGGLE? no 41. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? wednesday 42. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? salsa party 43. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2  44. HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2 45. HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST CAR THAT YOU HAD? 0 46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? new orleans | |
Ha... It's time to back up and be Leah again. Not Ms. Busy or Ms. Wannabe social. I realize that i am so different from most of my peers. My dad always told me i am trying to be something i am not. i am smart and a nerdy. i will never be the life of the party, i will never be the girl everyone notices and i need to stay in my place. lol. lately i think i forgot my place and kind of thought that people were starting to accept my differeness. one thing about being different is that you are naive to so many things. you may think you do nothing wrong and you can be shunned for it. am i being shunned now? who knows? who cares? because at the end of the day i can curl up in my bed and do my nightdream thing where i can think about how good i am doing with myself and how proud i am that i havent turned into a two faced bitch. i am slowly gettings this "dont care" thing. there is only one thing i care about right now. a week or two ago i could have named 3. so as long as i got my family, some money and i am well slept i'm cool..... haha i am starting to like me so much i am begining to appreciate all the time i get to spend with me. i am finally comfortable with me, in my skin. it's time to celebrate.
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posted by Ann E. Nigma @ 6/03/2005 10:18:00 PM
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